Lazy and overfed

The pigeons are having a pop at my recently planted broccoli plants. Bastards! We can see these flying shitbags, these lazy, overfed opportunists, demolishing allotment neighbours' produce on our way to our plot. We always clap furiously, and watch them as they take off, crapping nonchalantly. Then, when we arrive at our plot, we can see the damage they've done to our plants. Despite my best efforts, they have had a go at practically all of them. Yes, I know I should net them properly, but unfortunately, we're both too lazy and overfed for that.

Recently, while I was stacking my Gurulib online library, I was watching an old Escape to River Cottage episode on 4oD where Hugh F-W visits that plummy-voiced old toff and is taught by him how to cull pigeons. The toff was a racist as far as I was concerned (“I leave the white ones, they're pure, but they keep mixing, you see, and I shoot the mixed ones and the dark ones...”... I mean what gives?), but HFW did have a point about at least using pigeons if you must waste them. In the future subsistence and barter economy that we're all no doubt hurtling towards in the West, pigeons will form an important staple. When the proverbial hits the fan, I will have plenty of time to protect my crops by lying in wait for hours, dropping pigeons with my rifle and using ammo that I'll have, oh, traded for some funky home-knitted jumper made out of old printer cabling. Because I am nothing if not resourceful.

Other Half points out that I could equally get knitting on that netting for the brassica, without any pigeons being sacrificed. True!